Bring Me Back the Meaning of My Life

This is an English translation of a love letter written for Mostafa Tajzadeh by his wife, while he's in the notorious Evin prison and said to be under torture after the Iranian presidential elections in June 2009. A note to consider before reading this love letter from Fakhrosadat to Mostafa: Mostafa and Fakhrosadat were close to the late Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, the founder of the Islamic Revolution of Iran. Like many other supporters of Khomeini, they supported the Islamic revolution with good intentions and in recent years they have supported the pro-democracy reform movement in Iran, and are thus considered opposition for the hardliners such as Ahmadinejad. It is worth noting that Khomeini himself was weary of the damage these hardliners could do and did not allow them to thrive while he was alive.

My dear, my sweetheart, my darling

I didn't fall in love with your looks when I was seventeen, though beautiful they were and still are. Because in the two meetings we had when you proposed, we didn't even remember that fondness was what our mothers and grandmothers said it's supposed to be

And I didn't fall in love with your riches as you told me the first day that you had none, none at all, and you told me in later days "because I don't want to lie, I should say out of everything in this world, I have a motorcycle" and I frowned because the thought of motorcycle riding was not beautiful in my mind and I preferred to walk on foot and be late

And I didn't fall in love with your ranks as you had none. You said "I am in the Islamic Revolution Committee, and in the Friday prayers staff" and I didn't care at all what you do.

Honey, I fell in love with your character, and I chose you for your own name "Mostafa" (the chosen one) and you became my chosen one. I, Fakhrosadat, was the baby of the family and everybody was waiting to see who the last groom of our family will be and your brother-in-law told me the day after you proposed "It was as clear as day that you were going to like this guy"

I don't know why he said that but I liked you because you were the man of my dreams in 1981, exactly two years after the victory of the Islamic Revolution. Me, a seventeen year old Fakhrosadat, a fiery revolutionary who cared not for the musts and must-nots that were determined by the norm. I wanted you who wanted nothing other than the ideals and beliefs that were my ideal and belief. And you loved Ruhollah who coupled us together forever, and I want you who are still standing for the ideals you had then.

Oh my partner in life, stay strong for your ideals and know that I'm always proud of you and your perseverance.

You were in a rush for us to get married and I too, and we both insisted that our mentor and leader must solemnize our marriage. We decided that both our families would try to reserve a time with the late Imam. You through Mr. Khamenei and us through Mr. Mohtashamipour who Imam loved like he loved his children Mostafa and Ahmad and everybody knew that. I don't remember which time came first, but on January 27, 1981 we were together on our way to Jamaran for an eternal bond. You remember, I know you remember well, and I still remember your face full of tears in the hands of the Imam, and my own tears, and my own tears, and my own tears

I announced my marriage portion to be a series of the Tafsir al-Mizan and the Imam asked me to determine some money too and I told him to do as he saw fit, and he asked if I knew how to use the Tafsir and I knew, and after a silence he said the vows and I was in a hurry to say "I do" and me and you had no care for where we were and what conditions we had as though we were spellbound. And the Imam told us to tolerate each other and he told me to tolerate my husband and you to tolerate your wife so we learned that intolerance is a possibility in people's lives, and we decided to forever keep the promise we made in front of the Imam and we tolerated each other and the problems of life and its ups and downs and its sweet and sours, but we could never tolerate one instance of separation and now you've just taken your path and gone away?????????????? No they took your path and they took you away my chosen one This was not what we had promised. Do you remember every time we talked about you going to war I would get nervous and you would tell me not to worry for martyrdom requires a grace that not just any guy can achieve, and every time you heard the news of a dear one being martyred, you would get mesmerized and possessed, and when news came that Mohsen had risen to heaven and Hossein had been captured how you treated the families of these cousins so that they would forget the pain of the loss of their children when they smelled your presence and saw all your kindness and compassion, my sweetheart

Do you remember the home we had rented was filled with pictures of martyrs? From Rajayi and Bahonar and Beheshti and Motahhari, to all the relatives and friends who were martyred, and everyone said is this a house or a museum of martyrs? And in one of the last times we moved you cleaned most of the picture frames really well you put them in a box and said their respect must be kept and we took their memories to the depth of our hearts to keep them safe from any harm, and... do you remember all those pictures were smiling except the one of the Imam but we liked the charisma?

I hear in their home to home searches they seize the picture albums, and I'm so glad that you hid those pictures from evil eyes and took them away from dirty hands

I have so much to talk to you about. I don't know if you've heard my voice in these 18 days of division. They say you only hear the "Allah-u-Akbar" chants. I wish our house was still in Sa'adat Abad so you could hear my voice from section 209 in Evin which they say is newly built like the house that was never built for you and for us, and you would say "Fakhri, our lives are coming to an end" and I would say I fear even if we die we won't get a house in the afterlife, and you would laugh and say "which of the departed have ever been left homeless?" and I...now I despise all the houses, any house that is empty of you.

For me to be there and you not, my soulmate and companion where are you? Did those who took has bonded us together and whoever takes us apart would break his you away know that our Imam heart, and are these things even important for those strangers who vulgarly stole you from your house on your mother's birthday?????????????????????? My sweetheart, being away from you is not only difficult for me but for whoever knows you and whose soul is wounded at thought of the slightest pressure on you, it's hard, so hard. I wish I could talk to you even if just for the three minutes they allow non-political prisoners I wish before the interrogator - who I don't know if he knows anything of Islam -- had cut us off I would have told you that we are fine and everyone here is thinking of you in their prayers, and I would tell you that you are not just in my heart but in the heart of all Iranians and all the people you loved with all your heart, for whose rights you fought and stood up and persisted. I read Hamd for the perseverance of you and other dear ones detained and I pray for tranquility for myself and their families and I know there is no one more caring than our God towards you and others and I've left you in his hands and ourselves too, but remember one thing: I chose you for your courage and persistence towards your ideals, don't let the promise we made with our Imam break, my chosen one And one more thing: without you I'm meaningless and life without you is meaningless.

Bring me back the meaning of my life.

Fakhrosadat Mohtashamipour Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Link to the Original Translation